As we prepare to step into February…the month of love and lovers…the month the sun starts to make its way to light more of our days
We are ending January with a lunar eclipse and a big, full “blue moon.”
We are surrounded by beautiful natural phenomena, by change, by opportunity.
And…I am wondering if like me, you might not be feeling all that encouraged by opportunities? If the possibilities are seeming more limited? If you have experienced the winter “blues” in past months…perhaps even depression?
I want to share with you today a little of what I have been experiencing…in case you are noticing the same in you.
And I want to confess a mistake I have made…one that I warn my clients about…and then stepped right in the middle of myself.
As you may be aware, I moved to Colorado in August. I realized that I would be in a new state of change…no pun intended. A new state of me and in a new state of geography. Me. Here. That is not the same as Me…There. The place I was in before.
I guess I assumed as I had chosen it…here to explore love and its options…that I would get my feet down pretty quickly.
It became obvious early on that I was not getting my feet down. I was feeling isolated in this small town. I was missing my kids and grandsons. Longing for my friends and community. I was feeling loneliness and sadness.
And a lot of shame and self-doubt. What’s wrong with me that I cannot love and accept this new life I am in? Isn’t this what I teach people how to do?
I did what I knew to do. I tried to make connections. I created programs. I gave free seminars. I sought out people for coffee dates. I searched Meet-Ups. I stayed busy. Mindful that the book was over there waiting for my attention. Trying to get my business up and running. Coaching my clients.
It didn’t help me.
As the Fall months passed…I felt deeper in grief and less sure of myself and where I was going. Until in November I had to decide if I was going to call the business quits. With the help of my Bigger Game pod…I decided to give it a couple more months.
Then…came December…and in the middle of offering an online program called…Happy Though the Holidays…I had to admit that I was tanking. More and more depressed. More and more confused and frustrated. More and more angry. And finally…right before Christmas…I got sick.
Those of you who have been with me for a while…know I am often a “lab rat” for the concepts that I am working on.
I keep that fact in front of me as I try to find my way through the chaos and hopelessness that often accompanies my escapades.
This week as we transition through the end of January and the beginning of February, as we watch the moon reach its fullness and begin to recede, I want to share what I am learning about change and creating the lives we want for ourselves. Lives we love…not just settle for…or deem the best we can expect.
When I moved to Colorado I assumed all the work I had done to move through the grief of the break-up was over and my view of myself and what I wanted was in place. I brought that “self” to Colorado thinking she would somehow navigate all the changes just as she was. After all…she was choosing it.
“Well, that makes sense,” you might be thinking. “Of course, you would think who you were would be enough to make a successful go of it.”
True enough on the surface…and here’s the mistake. When I landed in Denver on April 17…I was immediately a new person. Surely, I was bringing my “Self” and just as certainly I was about to be an alien in a foreign world.
My preferences. My expectations. My dreams and desires. My comforts. All my familiars would have to be adjusted.
Would I compromise? Settle? Would I be able to find a space for all of my Truest Self?
Over the Fall months…I felt smaller and smaller. Less and less able to figure it out. I kept trying. And failing. Trying again. Failing. Until my self-esteem and spirit were ragged and not able to support me in the difficult times.
Add to that an extraordinarily generous partner who wanted to be supportive of my work…and the ego continued to deflate and the shame increase as I continued to fail to get traction in this new life.
Why can’t I make this work?
As I have working on the content for the book, I have been more and more aware that regardless of the kind or scope of our loss or change…we have to re-invent ourselves. Every time. Every single time…no matter how gung-ho we are about it in the beginning.
Sure. We say it. I think we know it. And I do not believe I understood how much of me I would need to re-invent or exactly how to go about it. Here’s what I am learning.
STEP 1 to that re-invention is to STOP the action and focus on LISTENING to the inner depths of our Truest Selves.
There. In that sacred space with our Source. We begin to re-awaken our awareness of who we really are.
I was trying to DO to get connected and settled. But I was leaving the ME in the dark. Perhaps afraid if I made my truest needs and desires known…I would be rejected…or it would be impossible.
Or…I would discover something about myself that I either did not want to face or could not change.
And then all the forward movement of the past 2 years would have been for naught.
So…right before Christmas…I reached the pinnacle of my anger, despair, frustration, and “dis-ease.”
It was the illness that tipped me off.
That told me my body was now going into decline as a result of my inability to figure out why I was so miserable.
Where is your “emergency” warning system? Your tears? Your anger? Your irritability? Over-eating or over-drinking? Isolating yourself?
The first awareness I encourage you to explore is exactly that. How do you know when you have reached the limits of your “small self” and need to reach deeper into a more sacred realm? When you are being called to dive deeper into the scary space of your Truest Self?
I say the sacred realm and scary space…because we need Help to go into the Truth of who we are and going there can be very scary. The “small self” is attuned to compromise and settle. To be acceptable. To say and do what is expected.
Even to seduce you with statements like… “Look at all you have. You should be happy.”
Between now and the next message…I encourage you to “sit” with your Self. How do you know when you have reached your “limits?” What is your spirit’s “warning system”? Where do you feel your Truest Self begin to creak and moan because you have let your “small self” run the show?
If you know that…then you can begin to be more sensitive to the whispers of your Truest Self. You won’t need to go all the way to the bottom of misery and despair. To risk a place of no return. Because you will be awakened by the still small voice of your most sacred, truest, self.
In the next message, I will continue the story and offer you STEP 2.
Much love and light,